SML Scriptures
These are the Scriptures of SadoMasochistic Linguists
Not to be confused with the WNLPF (or the mangy chap in the corner)
with ever flowing strokes
will, scribe of the SML, also the scribe of the WNLPF
(More of the SML nitemare.)

The Mission:

In the beginning, we all know nothing. At some point n between the beginning and the end, we will know more than we did when first we commenced. Taking this insight, we hope that at point n, we will know enough to get to point n+1 and thus procede to complete the mission.

Our hopes lie on this trusty faith that there is indeed a lit lighter somewhere out there in the night to awake us from our SML Nitemare....

Feb 8th, 1996:

7:00pm
Professor Muller assigns SML Assignment 3 to the class handing out a packet of four sheets with Greek letters.
7:01pm
Class laughs--then suddenly cold strikes as we realize that most of the explanation is in Greek.

Professor Muller calls this packet the "Unification Algorithm".

Feb 9 - 17th
Inward contemplation--but nothing comes of it. Still a fundamental lack of understanding of Greek letters.
Feb 18th:
3:30pm
Major discovery:

Tim/Sister
a1/a1
raise UnificationFailure

3:50pm
We have now mastered staring off into space and the look of confusion, but it doesn't help.
4:30pm
Will, the false prophet, has sudden false inspiration--but it is false.
4:50pm
Kevin realizes there is no (nil, nil). (nil, nil) is the false passageway through the inky blackness before us.

Long argument over whether 'nil' actually exists....

5:00pm
Hallelujiah! The church bells peal in the distance with the coming of the great one Macdonga. He tells of a very darkened future, but in that future lies the secret light that we have so striven for. At last, the wisdom will be ours.
5:09pm
Neither client nor server seem to function properly. They have, however, demonstrated the ability to quote early 80's Bill Murray movies back and forth....
Oh--but wait--this is the SML Nitemare--not the Land of the Notworks....
6:10pm
We're back with nutrients on our side. We are contemplating whether or not we can still win, knowing full well the problem at hand only gets more devious and evil with every passing moment. Will we know the wisdom of the ages, or have to bask in second-rate ignorance forever? Only time will tell....
6:25pm
Kevin realizes that he only knows that he knows nothing... and precedes to delete half of his code. Gavint has gone home in hopes that the dry homeland will give new purpose to his quest. Will naively wanders onwards figuring that the demonic wisdom foretold can't possibly be that bad....
6:50pm
Aha! Viensc and his Notwork have become one with the chair.
7:50pm
Ever eat that Greek Alphabet soup?
7:52pm
The great Time-continuim debate as it affects the DEClab and the CS professors. It is suggested that if one CS professor were to stand in the center of the DEClab, he/she would counter-act the quick-time forces of the DEClab and time would return to normal.
7:53pm
Kevin (in a quick fit of procrastination and egomania) proves that (nil, nil) in fact exists. And the debate of whether nil exists is struck up once more for a few minutes....
8:15pm
Kevin, using genetic pieces from Macdonga, creates mutant code.
8:20pm
Rodierc finally shows up with Billy Crook in a vain effort to attempt many days-worth of coding in a quick 15 minute session. Rodierc calls a session outside the DEClab which erupts in mindless name-calling and much wimpering when the Nitemare is mentioned.
9:00pm
Gavint returns... and there was much rejoicing.
9:07pm
Will, after much scrutiny, declares Kevin's answer and resulting wisdom to be "funky" and full of "beans".
9:35pm
Life is merely a matter of true and false therefore the boolean function from hell is cool by induction.
10:25pm
The Fundamental Theory of Ineptness is discovered. Will is the base case as well as all cases n > 0.
10:35pm
Will has regained the Edge... and deleted all his code (except for his name). In a feverish panic he begins coding before the inspiration goes away.
11:12pm
Kevin has left the building. Will is still here, struggling with the basic principles of matter vs. unified matter. Perhaps this is a fruitless struggle for young Will is not unified in his heart. Maybe i don't want to find the light--don't want to see the shiny flicker at the end of the Nitemare. But struggle on i must! For it is the struggle that teaches the mind its wise deliverings. Alas, if only it did not torture me so.
11:57pm
Rodierc has returned to the DEClab. Will has lost his inspiration once again and the code has transformed from powerful scripture to meaningless gobbledygook. Will is going home to die. For death is too good for such a tired soul as i.
12:57pm
Will and Rodierc formed their own disagreement set over what K really stood for. Ashley, god of logic, intervenes and explains what is really going on.... then he reads the packet....
1:23pm
Will was correct, and now Rodierc is grading Ashley's papers.
3:00pm
Will and Rodierc discover Death(sub k). and yet it still is not done.... Will wrote a record-breaking ten lines of code in 15 hours.
Feb 19th
3:00pm
Gary has false hope. He writes the code for the disagreement-set It works but won't compile. (sigh) But he's psyched anyways because he can print two pages of code on one piece of paper (yippie!).
3:20pm
Gary computes D!

Tino "Cappucino" hoses the server before Gary could save it. Gary abandons the concept of readable code for "anything that works!"

It is discovered that the CS server crashes every time Tino logs in. Tino is considered quarentined until the solution is imminent. Tensions are high.

4:00pm
Muller reads the SML angst and laughs heartily (satanically). Gary shows him his code but still doesn't understand the point of everything.
4:20pm
Will and Kevin stride into the lab ready to attempt another focused attack against destiny knowing full well that destiny is by definition going to happen whether one likes it or not. Will thinks to himself that destiny must be unifiable and therefore it is finitely probable that this assignment can be completed in alotted time with said time restrictions alpha and tau. It is discovered that we are now fairly fluent with the Greek alphabet.
4:45pm
Tim has decided in a fit of torrential depression to go home, curl up into a fetal position with his thumb in his mouth and weep silently into his pillow until sweet and blissful sleep overtakes him.
7:50pm
Gary declares he's "done" and is met by 5 pages of compiler errors. Stupid compiler. It should know that the code works. It is discussed that we should write our own compiler to fix this problem, but we discover that we need to have a working unification piece to correctly implement the compiler that will understand Gary's "working" code.
10:00pm
Will and Osbornk discover suddenly that Viensc is the biological implementation of the C Rand() function. This discovery brings forth all sorts of fascinating ramifications--none of which help to solve our unification problem.
11:16pm
Viensc's walkman is dumping core into his ears. He tells us all, in a sweeping filibuster, how much it hurts. But he is busy Notworking again.
11:32pm
Will, during a quick break, calculates the number of hours he has spent in the "coding" phase of this assignment. He utters a cry of dispair and arrives at the number 30. Suddenly he realizes that this is almost the equivalent of a full-time job.

Will has written a disagreement-set function which despite explicit directions returns the set W which it was passed with some random modifications none of which matter a pair of dingo's kidneys. Will must do other homework, however, and decides to quit for today.

Obituaries:

2/18/96
Will's sanity, though it died those many days ago has died again. Will isn't too happy about this.
2/18/96
The original function "am_i_single" doomed from inception was at last scrapped and deleted because it just kept giving the same old answer. sigh.
2/18/96
All trust in the words of Chris Deangelis speaker of the utter falsehood, "Oh, it'll be an easy class...."
10/19/96
All power to Osbornk's frontal cranial lobe (the part that naturally thinks in SML). The light of day will never be the same...

The epilogue.... - 4/7/96

Tim Gavin still doesn't have a working Unification function. Will and Kevin handed theirs in a week late or so and recieved full credit (and a comment that it was handed in late....). Gary did fine, Tino stopped crashing the server, Chris Viens magically transformed his Notwork into a Network (after he finally figured out what was going on--and told us all a blow by blow detailed account), Professor Muller spent a couple of sleepless nights designing the fascinating details of the next assignment, and Chris Rodier and Billy Crook--i actually don't know what happened to them. Should someone actually read this part, i may get fired as the Scribe. But since, in a valiant endeavor focusing on job security, this story is so ridiculously long, i don't believe anyone will have read this far. Ever.

Contributors

Mr. Hairy Gary "Maker-of-Boxy-Comments" Macdonga Kevin "Theoretically-it-works" Osborn Viscous "Not-work-Engineer" Viensc Professor Robert Muller Tino "Cuppacino" Tim "Reality-bites" Gavin Will "disagreeable" Guaraldi Chris "Explain-it-again-sam" Rodier

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