[Scene opens to the interior of a mangy shed. The inside of the shed is littered with dirty laundry, plastic hard drive covers, empty bottles of Orange Crush, and various other computer paraphenelia, all disassembled and strewn about. There are no windows and it's hot as hell.]
[Door flies open, Rose runs in, a hurried look about her]
Rose: Whew! Thank God I got away from those people from the math department.
[Rose looks around, shocked at the piles of mess and clutter, all unattended]
Rose: This place is a dump!
[Rose immediately begins to clean up. She replaces old hard drives back into their original casings, connects keyboards, hooks up monitors, tests printers. She runs tests on all the equipment, using whatever works and tossing whatever doesn't. After connecting everything together, she then builds a makeshift table out of the empty food and drink containers and places some of the assembled computers on top of it.]
Rose: Hmmm... this looks better. But...
[Rose gets a far away look in her eyes. She then starts rooting around the hut till she finds a closet full of 10baseT cable and then begins to network all the newly assembled computers.]
Rose: There. Much better. [turns to the camera] Now that we have this set up, there are some interesting games that you can play.
[Rose looks around for a place to sit down. She starts rooting through a pile of dirty laundry and eventually unearths a futon. She sits down and quickly falls asleep.]
[Time passes... Time passes... Time Passes...]
[The door to the shed opens, and in walk matsukat, osbornk, viensc, deangelc, guaraldi, bunkerja, and gavint as Happy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Slappy, Concern, and Squeaky, respectively]
Happy: Woooooooooooow...What happened here?
Concern: I hope this network is functional.
Grumpy: [pulls his pickaxe out from over his shoulder. There is a human head stuck on one sharp end of the iron digging tool] I *really* hope this isn't one of my ex-girlfriends.
Dopey: What a nice person whomever did this must be.
Slappy: Great. Now I won't be able to find my *other* blue sweatshirt.
[Rose suddenly awakens, startled, and her head pops up from a pile of Unix manuals and empty CD cases. ]
Squeaky: Oh my goodness, that's a girl. I have only heard the tall tales they tell about ladies in the DEClab. And I thought that girls with computers were only fairy tales.
Sleepy: Hey, that is a different model of human than we are.
Concern: Who cares about the girl, someone actually set this stuff up!
Dopey: What a nice person she must be.
Squeaky: Do you guys realize the implications of this?? There is a girl here!!
Happy: You're rigth, Squekey, thsi is importatn.
Rose: You guys all act as though you have never seen a girl before.
[All nod their heads in unison. Dopey faints, although not from the shock of seeing Rose, but from the fact that there were computers working in there. He immediately sits behind a terminal, reboots consciousness, and is lost there for several days.]
Narrator: Time passes.... The newly acquainted group gets along very well except for this small incident....
Rose: LOWER THE TOILET SEAT WHEN YOU'RE DONE!
Dopey: Why would we do that? ... (turns several shades of red)
Narrator: Anways, the newly acquainted group gets along very very well until Rose comes home with a Ring... Not just any old ring, but a Token Ring.
Grumpy: What the hell is that? AND WHY DOESN'T MY CODE WORK! WHO'M I TRYING TO IMPRESS, WHO COULD CARE LESS!!!
Slappy: Work schmirk.
Rose: Umm.... Well.... I got it from a woman outside....
Sleepy: (Snore)
Happy: Whast a wmona?
Squeaky: (Aside to Happy) Didn't we already go through this?
Happy: Yeaahh.... I gorfot. Up weal late last night.
Concern: Too much work to do. Have a retreat i have to go to in 17 seconds. Between then and now, i have three hours of work to do, four assignments to correct, two programs to write, my taxes to fill out and send, the meaning of life to figure out, and write out my schedule for the next 80 years.... I'm concerned that i may not get it all done....
Slappy: Work schmirk blurk.
[The 7 Dwarves go back to their assignments and ponderings. Concern attempts to leave 15 seconds later, but collapses from exhaustion. He falls asleep and begins to smile innocently for a change.]
--End of Scene I
Act I Scene II:
--Beginning of Scene II--several days later. The way you can tell is typing 'date' at the csh prompt. Typing 'who' or 'finger' will tell you that no one has moved in the room except for Rose Quartz.
[Rose Quartz sits down staring at the Token Ring in her hand. Its facets and edges seem to emnate a feeling of freedom and busyness simultaneously. She looks around. All 7 dwarves are busy seeking a suntan from their CRTs except Sleepy who is dreaming of doing so. She puts the Token Ring on....]
Rose: ACK! ACK-ACK!
Slappy: ACK Schmack. I can't focus, maybe i'll take a nap and then stay up all night figuring out what's going on.
Sleepy: (wakes as if from a horrid dream) Hey... That's cool. (nods off to sleep again)
Concern: Oh... and i forgot i have to tutor this morning! Oh no!
Squeaky: I think that if i re-write the BinaryOp and UnaryOp cases, the variable amount of time, when extended in the static environment with its actual value, will decrease as the number of frames increase.
Happy: (looks utterly bewildered)
Dopey: Hey guys! Look what happened to Rose Quartz!
[The 6 dwarves surround Rose Quartz, except for Sleepy--for obvious reasons. Dopey looks as if he is going to just burst into tears.]
Grumpy: Figures. Every woman i've ever known falls down in some sort of catatonic state. Bitter hateful world.
Dopey: What are we going to do?
Concern: Oh no. I've got seventeen meetings... (looks up in the sky in deepest of deep thought) eighteen meetings. All in the next 35 minutes. Perhaps, if we put her off to the side a bit, then we can get to her later.
Dopey: But that's not a moral thing to do....
Grumpy: Moral... there is no moral. The world sucks. And so does everyone in it. YOU ALL SUCK!
Sleepy: snore... L2... snore... Hate page abuse... no life...
Happy: Grumpy! Be Ahppy! Three words dscribee me: Strange, Wierd, and Happy.... I told my interviewer that and they hired em!
Slappy: Well, what's that on her finger?
Dopey: Looks like some kind of golden band. Look at all those edges its got!
Slappy: Did she have one before...? My memory is like water in the desert, so i'm not going to bother attempting....
Dopey: I distinctly remember that she did not have a ring on her finger.
Slappy: Well, let's distinctly figure out what kind of ring it is.... Oh dear. It couldn't be... IT COULDN'T BE!!!!
[Sleepy wakes up just because this is a moment in need of some unison]
6 dwarves in unison: WHAT IS IT!!!
[Sleepy goes back to sleep mumbling something about matrices or something]
Slappy: She washed my blue sweatshirt! What the hell did she do that for?!?
Concern: Oh no! It's a TOKEN RING!!!
Dopey: A Token Ring!... What's that?
Grumpy: About 40 hours of your life sucked away through one of those coffee stirrers and shipped to Cuba via Kiwi Airlines.
Dopey: ....
Concern: It's a Network thing, Dopey.
Dopey: Oh...
Slappy: She looks as if the Token Ring has enveloped her into a Segment. The reason she isn't moving is because she is no longer connected with the outside world. Look... her backbone's separated here. (points to just below her neck).
Concern: Well, i just missed three of my meetings already. Suppose i'll call into work and tell them that i'm not going for the fourth straight hour in a row. What happens if we rebuild the backbone... or better yet, just build a bridge between her node and the rest of the LANd?
Grumpy: Hm.
Dopey: But that would mean that....
Squeaky: Someone would have to.... oh the thought is just too foreign to think of.
Concern: Wait. The word's on the tip of my tongue....
Slappy: Word Schmird. Tip schmip. Tongue schmongue. Think i'll go check email....
[Slappy checks email and exclaims that he has 433 new emails since yesterday. Most of them from the 6 other Dwarves, a few from Rose Quartz when she decided to log on, a bunch from Grumpy's sister Groucho, some from people Slappy has never met, and a few from women that Slappy is attempting email correspondance relationship with--and failing miserably.]
Grumpy: Kiss.
Concern: That's the word.
Dopey: So... someone has to kiss her?
Squeaky: Ick. The thought is too awful to ponder. Perhaps i shall go Observe something.... Slappy, did you say 'Tongue schmongue'? AHA! A scandal doth burst its furry head in my direction! Quick! To the terminal to type it all out in its gory details!
Grumpy: Every time i kiss a girl, her face turns green.
Dopey: What is a kiss?
Concern: Well, i saw it in a movie once. It's kind of this mushy bridge/router connection between two isolated LANs. It's a chemical bonding that enables the passing of packets and so forth.
Grumpy: It sucks like a typhoon in Cleveland.
Dopey: Can anyone here administer a kiss?
[Sleepy awakes, again feeling another one of those moments, Slappy turns about, and Squeaky looks above his terminal.]
All: Not compatible....
Dopey: So what are we going to do?
--end of Act II
Act I Scene II:
--same bat-place. just a bit after bat time, however.
[An obvious dilemna has ensued.]
Concern: Seriously guys, what are we going to do?
[The dwarves look at each other, except for Dopey, who is staring at his shoelaces, and Sleepy, who is nodding off]
Slappy: We'll have to find someone to kiss her or something.
Grumpy: But that means we'd have to go talk to people. We'd have to interact with the scum-sucking legions of brainless drones that propogate this world like poppy seeds blown on a sea-spawned breeze ...
[Grumpy continues to go off, but the other dwarves roll their eyes]
Happy: Yeah, we could find soemone tok iss her. What's so bad about meeting new poepel, Grumpy?
[Grumpy has ended his soliliquoy of misery, and sits on the dirty floor, staring off into space]
Squeaky: Well, Grumpy and Sleepy won't be much help.
Concern: No, we couldn't find just *anyone* to take Rose Quartz out of this trance ... we need someone nice. Someone caring. Someone who is not a sleaze tank.
Slappy: And where are we going to get someone like that?
Grumpy: In this world full of misbegotten despair?
Sleepy: No, Professor Shanahan, please don't drop that anchor!!
[Sleepy, realizing he has been talking in his sleep again, looks around at the other dwarves, then settles back down and nods off]
Dopey: Well...
[All the dwarves sway their gaze to Dopey]
Dopey: [Looking innocent] Couldn't we just ... make someone? Concern and Grumpy know about AI, Slappy and Squeaky could write a brain, Happy, Slappy, and Concern could make the actual person out of NAND gates, and Grumpy, Slappy, Happy and Concern could code the communication protocols. It wouldn't be that hard, would it?
Squeaky: No, of course not. Wouldn't be that hard. [Squeaky gets a bitter look on his face]
Concern: No, Dopey's right. None of us can do this, and we don't have the social faculties necessary to find someone who can. Let's build someone.
[One of the dwarves throws a phone book at Sleepy.]
Sleepy: The travelling salesman problem CAN'T BE SOLVED!!
[Sleepy looks around - sheepish that he has been talking in his sleep again.] --end of act i
Narrator: And lo, the dwarves did scratch their unwashed noggins in serious thought. Suddenly, Concern leaps into the air and runs into the dry eraser board with a blue dry eraser marker (ouch). He examines the board for an empty patch--not seeing one, he uses his hand to erase a large drawing of something called clientKiller and something else called graphicsProject whilst simultaneously absent-mindedly massaging his bruised knee.Having cleared a space, he begins to draw strange pictograms consisting of boxes and arrows and boolean black magic.
Concern: We could do one of these and link it to one of these.... with this... and a little of that... a menu here... a magic button there...
Grumpy: Weeeeeee!!! Like kids sliding down a slide into the path of an oncoming bus! What fun!
[The dwarves look oddly at Grumpy attempting to discern meaning from his latest of analogies. Finding none, they return to their normal hunched over postures watching Concern scribble on the board.]
Narrator: The group procedes to architect a human being. However, the ideas of job security have become such a part of their lives that the drawing is for the most part completely illegible.
[In the distance, the sound of music is heard... singing... a strange and outrageous French accent....]
Troubador: Hey, Ho... hauhauhau...! Ze' French maids with zeir leetle French dresses.... hoooo-weee.... What have we here? A leetle cottage with a strange sign on it... What does it read? "WARNING: Chinese Meditation Balls Required. High Stress Area". How strrrrrange! How unlike my favorite Frrrench country! What a silly French accent I have!
Grumpy: What the hell is that strange croaking sound? Sleepy--were you just fiddling with the video driver on your Linux box, or s it the sound of a thousand x-girlfriends attempting to concieve a thought between them?
Dopey [peeping around the door--there are no windows]: It looks as though it is a funny man dressed in strange clothing skipping our way. With another funny man dressed in strange clothing behind him with pom-poms. The second funny man has this... rodent-like face. How odd.
Rat: RA RA RA!!! YEEEEAAAA NEWTON!
[The Troubador knocks on the door, and Dopey opens it innocently.]
Troubador: Greetings from France! Do you like my pants! May I partake of your shelter for myself and my rat? It would be nice if you could do that!
Dopey: Hm. Well, we are CS. I must ask the collective. One moment, please. [to the dwarves inside] Should we let this strange person in?
Squeaky: Uh-oh.... Sounds like a Slim Jim come to get me after my success in consoling the pissed Kim! Must hide!
[And Squeaky dives behind a stack of programming manuals and recycled paper. The dwarves, except for Dopey who is at the door, and Sleepy who is doing his thing, are busy being mesmorized by the heiroglyphic representations of why the sun travels over the sky... oh, wait a minute... those eerie symbols are the plans to build a "Nice Guy Mk. 1".]
Dopey: Well, I guess since no one has voiced opinions otherwise, you can come in. I will put an announcement of your arrival on the CSA homepage....
Troubador: Well--look here, Rat! It is a bunch of silly American hunched-over dwarves staring at a dry eraser board with... whatever strange invention that be.
Rat: RA RA RA!!! RATRUM RATRUM!!! [continues to make strange squeaking sounds]
Troubador: Rat, do not trouble your little valiant self! Oh my! What have we here but the most beautiful of women lying on the floor [switches to a Latin accent]. One of the most beautiful women of the world. My heart it swells with love for her. I feel a swoon coming on!
[The Troubador swoons, but no one catches him as he collapses to the ground]
[Dopey turns abruptly towards the Troubador now on the ground]
Dopey: You're a man!
Troubador: [feeling suddenly very self-conscious, slightly irritated, and massaging a bump on his knee] Yes, I am a man. Do you dare question my verility?!?
Dopey: You could kiss Rose and break her of this Token Ring sterility!
Troubador: A kiss! ... um, sure... i could kiss this beautiful rose lying here on the ground. But let's not jump to hasty conclusions....
Concern: [looks as if the blue markings have traveled mysteriously from the board to Concern's hand and the rest of his body] You look like a nice guy... She has been segmented from our LANd. Please help us fix our communications problem!
Troubador [suddenly very uneasy]: So you want me to kiss the girl?
Concern: Kiss the girl! Damn those assinine Disney cartoons--they're ruining our great American culture!
Rat: A leetle kiss for the sheep!
Grumpy: Another word about sheep and I'm going to tie you tighter than a Hungarian pretzel with mustard in the middle of winter.
Slappy: What's that supposed to mean?
Grumpy: Before you point that finger at me, I should tell you that i'm the man....
Slappy: So. Grumpy's a tool and the Troubador doesn't want to kiss Rose here. Have you actually ever kissed a girl before?
Troubador: YES! ... no. Well, see I'm a computer science major...
The dwarves in unison: A COMPUTER SCIENCE MAJOR!
Troubador: Yes, a computer science major. Do you know what it's like to be a computer science major?
Squeaky: Often!... Often frequently, that is. How sad. Computer Science majors have no fun. But--they say that being a CS major is its own social option and a growing one on most college campuses!
Sleepy: And the lady of the lake, her arm clad in shimmering samite, held aloft the sword Escaliber. And that is why i'm your king....
Rat: I could kiss the Rose! Let me at her!
Concern: ACK! It's a RAT! Don't let that sex-crazed Rat near our Rose!
Rat: But I'm not a rat!
Squeaky: I observe that you look like one.
Rat: He dressed me up like this! He has a rodent fetish....
Troubador: That's not true... THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
Rat: Search your libido, Troubador! You know it to be true!
Troubador: NNOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[After the end of the blood-curdling cry of anguish, silence ensues for a couple of anxious and suspense-filled moments.]
Dopey: Right. Well, I rather think we are in a bind. Once again, we have found another man of the world who lacks the experience and social graces to kiss Rose and fix our dilemma (aside--but doesn't lack his share of twisted boolean logic, shall we say). And now that I think about it, I don't think that what you have written there on the board will help.... Sure, it will be a nice guy, but... well, it isn't human.
[All the dwarves turn about in shock at the seemingly innocent and child-like yet complex and sensitive and vastly intelligent wonder that is Dopey.]
Slappy: Oh, I see.
[Suddenly the lights flash, then flicker out. Silence, then rampant chaos as countless voices scream in unison, "My computer!" A thousand feet hit the ground at once.
Several minutes pass.
Then the lights flicker back on. The whir of seventeen fans sound and the lights are dim due to the vast amounts of energy required to boot seventeen machines and countless other devices in the improperly ventilated room.]
Rose: mmm....m.. oh my head. I feel as though I was just inducted without a base case.... oh me oh my.... Yes, have some.
[The sounds of thunder, stark and booming are heard. Lightning flashes outside and the door explodes open with the wind of a thousand hurricanse. There in the doorway stands, like a gnarled tree, Gandalf.]
Gandalf: I am Professor Gandalf, though a long time ago in another age of LANs, I travelled by the name of Bob. I come here to ask you dwarves to give me that which is far too powerful a magik for you to be in posession of. I ask, for the Ring.
[All the dwarves are rather shocked. It's unusual to have one visitor, let alone four.]
Grumpy: Where'd the hell he come from? If he messes with my workstation, I'm going to rip off his arms and pour the orange juice from last month into his infected wounds....
Rat: [whispers something into Grumpy's ear... Grumpy actually blushes]
Sleepy: Ahhh... old one. Yet again, we meet.
Gandalf: Yes, oh #sleepyy. We meet again. This time for the last time. I am retiring my handle and moving on to another world. But first, I must ask for the Ring.
[Slappy hasn't moved since the lights came on. Happy is stunned into silence. Dopey is standing by the door half-paying attention to Gandalf, half-paying attention to something on his workstation screen. Concern is still standing at the dry eraser board and is sucking on the marker--too late does he absent-mindedly realize that the cap is not on and now his tongue is blue. Grumpy has just put his shoes back on after nearly passing out from the stench of a thousand dead and rotting carcasses rose from his socks. Sleepy has awakened and has a look of wise countenance on his otherwise emotionless face. Squeaky is not quite sure what to make of this whole situation and doesn't think hanging around with geeks is really fun.]
Slappy: You want the Token Ring.
Gandalf: You are quick for such a little fellow. You have followed my advice very well: to understand, but do not memorize. Yes, I have come for the Token Ring. I would say lets play some games, but it is time for me to return it from whence it came... the big blue fires of Mount Doomed. Miss Rose, I ask you to hand it over.
[Rose hands the ring over and stands up from the floor.]
Gandalf: And now my mission is done. The results will be up on my web-site. You all get an A.
Rat: But... We didn't do any work, and I just got here!
Gandalf: Silence, you rat!
[And with a flash, the doorway is empty; the door creaking back and forth on its hinges. A strange fruit sits where once the mighty strange man stood.]
Rose: Look, that nice old man left me an apple!
Slappy: PUT THAT APPLE DOWN! Second thought, throw it where none of us will ever see it again! Bury it in the bottom of the laundry basket!
Narrator: Gandalf gone, the group pops the most recent events off the environment stack and returns to their normal functions, this time with the help of new comrades and their unique personalities and skills that they bring with them. All in all, the group rose in collective wisdom and fell in collective socialness.
Narrator: But the story is not yet over. Mostly because there are various unended plots and a million other fairy-tales and legends to play off of.
Narrator: Until the next SillyCS journey into the absurd....
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