It turns out my internet connection was sucking for a week because evil ninja squirrels ate the cable that goes from the telephone pole to the building my apartment is in and then the cable filled with water. Who knew evil ninja squirrels were such a threat to my bottom line?!
The technician was awesome and replaced the line using an 18' ladder precariously parked in the middle of the semi-busy street in 20 minutes. The frosting on the cake was when he came inside and said, "Yeah, so squirrels chewed on the line and then it filled with water. There's nothing we can do about that because we can't kill all the squirrels."