Will's blog

The Boston Marathon is an old tradition in the heart of Boston. The actual course runs by such places as Boston College (my alma mater) and Wellesley. Over the last bunch of years, I've sat on the course and cheered for passers by. I've also observed what have come to be known in an incredibly exclusive circle (namely myself) as the 10 rules to running the marathon:

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Rule 1: Wear tape on your nipples. You're sweating hard during the marathon. This causes a lot of chaffing and after 26 miles of sweating and chaffing, the protusions of skin on your body will wear away and start to bleed--which kind of sucks. So wear tape on your nipples whether you're male or female.

Rule 2: Wear a light t-shirt with your name on it in BIG DARK BOLD LETTERS. You're running 26 miles with free cheerleaders on both sides of the course. They just want to cheer you on--but they have no clue who you are. So wear a light t-shirt with your name on it on the front and back in BIG DARK BOLD LETTERS. Make the lettering color and the t-shirt color highly contrasting. Like white and black, yellow and black, pink and black, light green and black, light light blue and black.... The letters should be easy to read from a distance of 50 feet by anyone. It helps to have a name that is 5 letters or less. If you don't have a name like that, go buy a Superman t-shirt.

Rule 3: Don't wear garbage bags. Or any other type of thing that's going to act like a sail and drop your streamline constant like a neutron star through the Earth. The key is to wear stuff that won't billow out and catch the air. You'll thank me for this one later on.

Rule 4: Wear something funny on your head. Funny things include floppy bunny ears, a cap with a stick dangling a beer can in front of you, funny wigs (dressing up as the Globe Trotters or something), or ornately arranged fruit baskets. However, don't wear anything that breaks Rule 3.

Rule 5: And don't wear a new pair of sneakers. Your feet will HATE you for doing something like this. The goal of the marathon is not just to cross the finish line, but also to be able to pick up with your life the next day. You don't want to be hobbling around for weeks afterwards with ingrown toenails and blisters and icky stuff. Don't even wear a new pair of sneakers on your head.

Rule 6: When you go by large groups of spectators, cheer THEM on! Raise your hands and whip them around in the air like that Arsenio Hall guy. Scream at the top of your lungs, "GO US! WOO WOO!" Spectators LOVE that, and will reciprocate. Your fellow runners will love it too. In general, it makes everyone feel good for the next 100 feet. And it's all about how to feel better for the next 100 feet.

Rule 7: Smile. If you're hurting really bad and don't think you can make it another foot--put a big happy smile on your face and cheer the spectators. Smile! Enjoy the pain! Enjoy the fact that you're running the marathon and most of the folks you know aren't crazy enough to do it with you!

Rule 8: But don't sing. Think the song in your head, mumble it under your breath, but don't sing it out loud. That's irritating.

Rule 9: Don't square dance. If you're going to think good hoe-down songs, don't start square dancing. It'll affect your time... a lot.

Rule 10: Don't bother praying to the Springbok god of running like the wind to save you. Springboks could care less if you finished the marathon or not. The Springbok god cares less than they do.